Hustle & Flow

Knights, Damsels, and the Myth of Rescue in Marriage

• Brad and Tiffany Franks • Season 2 • Episode 10

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What does it really mean to marry someone with a "messy childhood"? After 34 years of marriage, we're pulling back the curtain on this deeply personal topic that touches so many relationships.

The conversation began with a social media post describing the qualities of women who emerge from difficult childhoods to become extraordinary wives and mothers—if they've healed. That last part is crucial. We explore what true healing looks like, why it matters so much in marriage, and the reality that this process often takes years, not months. In our case, significant healing took at least twelve years, with certain issues continuing to surface even later.

We tackle the uncomfortable truths about these relationships from both sides. For those who experienced trauma, there's the temptation to seek a rescuer rather than doing internal work. For their partners, there's the risk of developing a "hero complex" or underestimating the commitment required. We've seen marriages crumble when one partner realizes they aren't prepared for the healing journey ahead.

Trust becomes the bedrock of these relationships. Learning to believe your partner won't abandon you when difficult things surface creates space for unprecedented intimacy—not just physical, but emotional and spiritual. This trust allows for conversations most couples never have, deepening your connection in profound ways.

Whether you're in a relationship affected by past trauma or considering one, this episode offers honest insights about what it means to commit to the process. Because when those neatly packaged traumas resurface at the most inopportune moments—and they will—your commitment to walking together through the healing process makes all the difference.

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Brad Franks:

Hey there, this is Brad, and I'm with my wife, Tiffany. How are you, tiff? Good, we are the authors of the Hustle Flow podcast Coming to you. Today. We're going to be talking about marriage and messy childhoods, and this is something we've been talking about this week. A little bit, and tell me where this came from.

Tiffany Franks:

I saw a post on Facebook about a messy childhood and a girl that comes out of a messy childhood, how what kind of wife she is, and it went on to describe what kind of wife and mother she is coming from a messy childhood and it said you know, basically, when you come from messy childhood and you heal which is the key word, and we'll probably circle back to that a few times what kind of mother you are. And so then we, as we normally do, we talk back and forth about it and, as we normally do, we have some disagreeing opinions and some that are kind of the same. But I thought it was interesting because I mean, it's you know, it's not something I shy away from. I brought a messy childhood into our marriage.

Brad Franks:

Yeah.

Tiffany Franks:

So some of that I definitely could identify with what she said, and so we were talking through some of it, and the comments were interesting too, so we talked through some of that. So that's where it came from.

Brad Franks:

Okay, yeah, so the post you can. You can look at it. It's Heather Hurt and I don't know if she she's verified on Facebook, so I imagine she posts several things, but her, her post is more about marrying the girl with a messy childhood and, just like Tiff said that, what kind of mother she can be, what kind of wife she could be, et cetera, et cetera, if she's healed. And for us the comments were probably some of the most interesting thing, because Tiffany said I can't wait to go to the comments. She had her Michael Jackson jacket on and she had the popcorn and she went to the comments. And so tell me about some of those comments.

Tiffany Franks:

Yeah, and let me say this so, being somebody that had a messy childhood, I would never want somebody to have told you, man, you need to, you need to shy away. It's kind of like when you're looking at a house and some houses need carpet and they need paint, but some houses need to be taken completely down to the studs and they need a new roof and they need a new septic, like all those things. So I would have never wanted somebody to tell you, man, you need to like that's, that's gonna be a lot of work.

Tiffany Franks:

You need to go the other way yeah but I can say that when we've sat and talked to couples, when we're talking to couples who are maybe in a relationship with somebody who's had a messy childhood and they start spelling out everything, I'm like, well, are you sure you're really up for all that work? Because do you know, do you really know how much? You know, just like a house, like, do you know what that's going to cost you? Well, in a relationship, do you know what that's going to cost? Do you really know what? That's what you're really getting into? And so I know sometimes we want to make sure and I think that we know it's a lot of work and it's and it can, and there's so much that's involved patience and time and grace and all those things. And so I almost feel like a little bit of a hypocrite. Is that, would that? Would that even be right, like I?

Brad Franks:

mean, I wouldn't have wanted.

Tiffany Franks:

I wouldn't have wanted somebody to tell you you need to stop and think about it, because I didn't want you to think about it. I just want you to hurry up and give me a ring and let's get married. But I know now we've been married 34, it was celebrated 34 years and we talk to couples. I would want to tell people you know, make sure that you understand what's going on here.

Brad Franks:

But I don't know, and that's what we had this discussion. I don't know if I knew what I was signing up for you had no clue. And I say that and people are going to be like, well, that's mean and it wasn't mean. We were young.

Tiffany Franks:

well, that's mean, and it wasn't mean. We were young too, yeah.

Brad Franks:

I was 18 and she was 16. And I knew that she looked really good in that cat suit that she wore and her body glove jumpsuit and she was pretty and she was blonde and she was funny and she was quirky and she was everything that I was not and everything that I desired was not and everything that I desired. And so, while I knew, as we began to date and talk and we began to spend a lot of time together, I began to know that maybe there were some issues from the past with her family and things that she she had to to the messy childhood part, but I really didn't know what that looked like.

Tiffany Franks:

Right.

Brad Franks:

And we really just to be honest with you. I mean, there are things that are obvious, but we had even 10, 12 years into our marriage. We had things creep into our marriage before as far as, like the you know one instance in particular. She just got angry and I didn't know why and it was because, you know, something had surfaced. That was years ago.

Brad Franks:

And so we began to work through that and so it was not um, I didn't understand. And so these comments like you talk about, uh, a lot of them are from dudes and they're like no, thank you.

Tiffany Franks:

Yeah. And so I wonder, though, if some of those comments are because maybe they did marry somebody with a messy childhood, and either one they were just complete jacktails and had no patience, no grace, and didn't really care, because if you can't serve me, if you can't be a good spouse to me, now I'm not interested, I don't want to put the work in, and those people probably won't work out well with anybody. If that's their mentality. Yeah, want to put the work in, and those people probably won't work out well with anybody if that's their mentality. Yeah. But it also could be going back to that key word if they were healed, and so I think that you know coming, if you come from a messy childhood, I think the healing part is key, because it's a constant journey sometimes, and if you're not putting in the work and you're always instead wanting to feel sorry for yourself or wanting to bring the drama to everything or not face hard issues, you're not healing.

Brad Franks:

Yeah, do you think and it just occurred to me as you were saying that though I've seen it and I know you have too that let's just say whether it's a guy or girl? We're talking about ladies, because this particular author talks about healing from a lady's standpoint the messy girl that sometimes girls don't heal, that they're looking for the knight in shining armor to come in and just take them out of a bad situation.

Brad Franks:

And it's not that they maybe don't want to heal. It's that they never took the time to heal from trauma and they go into a relationship thinking this guy's going to save me, he's going to take me out of mama's house and we're going to go and build a family together and it's going to be nice and neat, and I'm going to keep everything put in a box until it till one day he goes back there and thinks what's in this box? And then, all of a sudden, the monsters that's been hid for so long comes out.

Tiffany Franks:

Yeah, I think that can happen. And another thing I think could also happen in that situation is that you think that somebody's just going to come in and they're going to save you and you can leave all that. You know, you trick yourself into thinking all that can be left in the past, but then when the knight in shining armor decides I don't really want to be a knight anymore, I'm tired of being a knight, I just want to be a regular dude. Well then, who's to say then those people, if they're not healed and they were looking for a knight in shining armor, I think that's a bad recipe for looking for another knight in shining armor yeah, I see what you're saying I see where you're going, because when the new wears off, Well, I mean because nobody can.

Tiffany Franks:

I mean somebody can try to prop you up and try to tell you all the things and whatever, but I think any normal human would will get worn out with that after a while.

Brad Franks:

It's not sustainable?

Tiffany Franks:

I don't think it is sustainable.

Brad Franks:

My buddy Roger used to say that you always have to constantly pumping people up, like he would make this motion. Like you're pumping an air tank or whatever, you're pumping somebody up.

Tiffany Franks:

I don't think it's sustainable. And I'll just be honest. I think it's selfish of you if you're the damsel in distress. I think it's selfish of you to not be able to give back in a way to where somebody is just having to give to you and pump you up all the time. So I think it's selfish to not do the healing process if you're in a marriage and you know that it's things you need to deal with so that you can be the best spouse that you can be to your person. And I know we're talking. This post was on the girl with the messy childhood, and I know boys have messy childhoods too, but that's not what we're talking about today, but then it goes on to talk about once she's healed the things.

Tiffany Franks:

and I really I believe a lot of that. I do believe that those people do become fierce protectors of you, of the family. I mean, you know, like you, you know I'm a fierce protector, that's right probably way overboard.

Tiffany Franks:

Um, I believe you know that she will walk through. One of the I think the comments was that she'll walk through flames because she's already done it, like she's used to that. So she'll. She'll stand in the fire for you because she's already walked through flames, and so I believe some of that is true. Right, the characteristics and attributes that a person can possibly have who comes from that and then heals yeah.

Brad Franks:

I think the statement here it says, if you can give her a safe love, she'll go to war and face the storm over and over to protect your family and I believe that I've seen that with you coming out of messiness and healing and it took years. Just just being honest.

Tiffany Franks:

And I'd say about 12 years. It took at least 12, maybe more.

Brad Franks:

I mean from my perspective, we've been together 35 years and it's not that all those years after 12 were bad, but there were still elements that lagged behind that we were continuing to work through until you came to a point in certain certain things that that I had I had to work on because that was just who I was.

Brad Franks:

Once you began to realize, hey, okay, he's here, he's safe, he's not going anywhere, he's not running when I tell him this or he's not going to run because of this, that you begin to let down even more. And the past several years we've had an intimacy that I'm going to be honest with you. I hate to make people jealous, but you should covet that kind of intimacy because we've been very intimate, and I'm not talking about sexually, I'm talking about spiritually and emotionally. We've been wrong with each other and we've shared things with each other that most couples would never delve into. They wouldn't even stick their toe in the pinky or their pinky toe in the water of some of the conversations we've been able to have.

Brad Franks:

But because we've worked through some messiness and it was not easy, and you know, I think about guys who meet girls who have messy childhoods. There is this thing called the hero complex, that If you can find a damsel in distress and that's the age-old thing that guys want to find a damsel in distress and be the rescuer and be the knight in shining armor and fight off the dragon or whoever's got her put in a tower. They can release her. They beat on their chest like King Kong and they want to have that hero complex and it makes them feel good. And listen, I will say this there's nothing wrong with feeling good because you helped your spouse work through a messy life, okay.

Brad Franks:

But when you become glib about it and you think that you are the reason, the only reason that they are who they are, that without them or without you that they wouldn't have made it, then that turns really yucky and it becomes that hero complex and instead of just being humble and thinking man, I, I unearthed a treasure and you know I liked the Bible verse and it talks about when a man finds a treasure in a field, he sells everything he's got. And it just hit me. He sells everything he has and he goes and buys the field because of the treasure inside the field. And for 35 years I've sold everything that I am to buy the field because I know the treasure that I have. And so if you're not careful, guys, you can have a hero complex and you can make it. But it also comes back to ladies who become doormats.

Tiffany Franks:

Yeah, and I want to go back to something you said about conversations and trust. I think that's the first step in these relationships is, you know, for everybody it's different of believing that your spouse is who they say they are and the things that they say to you, that you believe them, because it takes time to not be waiting for the other shoe to drop and or to be waiting for them to show you who they really are or to be waiting on them to run. That's a big thing like, and I think some people even try to act out a little bit in that.

Tiffany Franks:

I probably did some to see if I could get you to run and so, because then they could say see, I know, I knew, I knew this was going to happen.

Brad Franks:

Right.

Tiffany Franks:

So I think that's one of the biggest obstacles is trust and feeling safe and being able to trust your spouse. And so then, going back to the doormat, yeah, we saw one comment which I threw up in my mouth a little bit, you know. The lady tagged her husband and said thank you for giving me a home.

Brad Franks:

Yeah, I just thought that was so gross. Yeah, that makes me feel gross.

Tiffany Franks:

Yeah, I just thought that was so gross, yeah, like that makes me feel gross, yeah, and that's. You know I I'm thankful that you've been with me and you've been patient with me, but I mean, I have to say I'm not thanking you for giving me a home and I'm just so lucky that you gave me a home. Um, you know, I don't know, I don't, don't, I don't, I don't know what my life would, would be like without you know, I don't sit around and try to imagine it because it would be real boring. I mean, I get to stay out later at night?

Brad Franks:

doubtful, but it would be boring.

Tiffany Franks:

It's doubtful but I mean that that's I can't. I can't understand that. You've never made me feel like I need to thank you for having a roof over my head.

Brad Franks:

But I don't view it that way and, in all fairness, Neither of us treat each other like you're just so lucky. Yeah, we don't do that. Well, you are pretty lucky. I'm kidding, but no, you're right. Like we're thankful.

Tiffany Franks:

Yeah, we're thankful.

Brad Franks:

Lucky and thankful are two different things, right, and I don't know this lady who posted that. I don't know her husband, so you know you. You insinuate.

Brad Franks:

Well, that must be what their relationship is like, that that might not necessarily be true, the commenter, you mean yeah, the commenter, like she just may be, still have some, some things she's working through, some insecurities and some things that maybe she's coming out of and just telling her husband hey, I love you, thank you for you, whatever. But here's the thing like yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck. Grateful, yes, lucky no, because God favors you as well as he favors anybody else and he loves you just like he loves anybody else in a marriage. And you know, god has a plan for you as much as he had a plan for me.

Brad Franks:

If we would have never got together, you would have been successful. You would have absolutely been successful. You would have been the great person you are today, you would have been just as beautiful as you are today and you would absolutely have the world in your hand, just like you do today. God would have blessed you, just like he would have blessed me. However, we're grateful that we found each other and we're able to work through these messy situations?

Tiffany Franks:

Yeah, and I don't know about all that. I might've done a little stint here and there before I got to where I was supposed to be, but you know, I don't that, that I didn't.

Brad Franks:

yeah, that's definitely possible Could have been, you know.

Tiffany Franks:

So, going back to talking about people that are, that are dating here's. Here's one thing I do believe if you're in a relationship with somebody, if you know that you're not committed to the process, then I think you need to be honest about that if you're not committed to the process of them healing, because it might take a year and it might take 10 and all you know, in ours it was probably longer than 10.

Tiffany Franks:

It um, you know, because we've seen that. I've seen people date somebody and then they get married and they want to be perfect now we're married and you've got to, you should be fixed now, and that's not the way it works. I think they actually got a I don't even think it was two years, yeah and they were divorced. But we saw, we knew where she was coming from and so we weren't quite sure that that they were even ready for that commitment or that he was ready for that commitment. But they did it anyway and he was not.

Tiffany Franks:

He was not ready to be part of that process and to be patient and give it some time.

Tiffany Franks:

And so I think you're not being fair to your potential spouse If you know you're not up for that and you're not up for the healing and you don't think that you're strong enough that your ego can take it and your pride can take it and that you love them enough for the process. And then I think if you're already married, it's like a physical sickness. You know you're, you're in it now. So how can you support, how can you help? But with that you got to be willing, that you got to be willing to heal, you got to be willing to do your part. You got to be willing to look in the mirror and be real honest with the boxes that you stuck way to the back and hoped that something would never pop out and rear its head and you got to deal with stuff.

Brad Franks:

Yeah, and that's. That's a good place to stop. Right there. I think you're right, you've got to be committed to the process. And I will finish with this real quick story.

Brad Franks:

A kid to me. I was mentoring him and we were good friends and he had broken up with his girlfriend and she had a messy childhood. She was a messy person, nice person, but just messy. And so I had told him because at that time we'd probably been married about 15 years and I told him I said you've got to understand what your girlfriend looks like and what this could be in your marriage. And he got mad at me. He said are you saying you don't love your wife? And I said no, that's not what I'm saying. He hung up on me, didn't talk to him for three weeks, but I tried to explain to him that they're cute and they're funny. But there's things back here, like you said, those boxes that you don't know may creep up and you don't know. Here's the thing you don't know. When they creep up, they can come up at the most inopportune times and you think, man, I had that so neatly packaged and taped up.

Tiffany Franks:

That's the truth.

Brad Franks:

And, oh my gosh, here it is now and you got to deal with it, and it can just pop up at the most inopportune time. So I do, like that word be committed to the process. You may not know what you're getting into, and that's just the truth.

Tiffany Franks:

Right.

Brad Franks:

But you need to know this when you make a marriage commitment, it's for better and worse, richer and poorer. Sickness and health till death do us part and I'm committing to the process, no matter what that looks like. If you marry somebody who has a messy childhood, you need to understand that there are going to be things you will deal with. It is not you're not going to have happily ever after when you say I do, because still things come up even years later. So we just want to encourage you.

Brad Franks:

Listen, people with messy childhoods are great people. They're people who God loves. And there's people who you can love and I promise you we're living proof 35 years right here that God can do anything he wants to do. But it goes back to committing to the process and loving somebody through all of it. Any other words, that's it. Hey, thank you so much for listening. There are two type of people, and one type is the kind that talk the talk, and then there's the other, who walk the walk, and Tiffany and I have always tried to be the people who walk the walk.

People on this episode

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Brad Franks

Host
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Tiffany Franks

Co-host